I, like many other people during the pandemic, have spent a lot of time in my house lately…and I, like many other people, have found ways to improve it. Renovate, decorate, whatever terminology you choose. I know I’m not the only one because driving around my neighborhood you will find house painters, concrete mixers, pool install-ers, roofers, entire extensions and additions put on houses. We are restless.
During the first year of the pandemic I found myself buying all the toys and activities to do at home for me and the kids. I guess the second year was spent renovating and redecorating the house. There was a lot of love and care put into decorating this house. Multiple paint swatches until we found the right color. Our walls were bare for 2 years because we wanted to hang items that meant something to us. We took our time, and now that it’s almost done, it has truly become a space that we love. A thoughtful space.
But I get into these moods. Mat calls it a wild hair…where I want to do more. A she-shed? Adding a wardrobe? Changing the light fixtures? I wonder if these years spent nitpicking this old house has inadvertently caused me to develop a habit. Constantly looking for ways to improve is making it difficult for me to just see things for what they are and more importantly enjoy them in the state they are in…now, not what they could be….but now. It’s a pattern of fantasizing about the future and how things could be. The downfall is that you miss out on the way things are now in the present moment.
When we first gained the momentum to redecorate, it was done very aggressively. See, it takes me a while to get going. I see something I don’t like, I think of ways to improve it. I get an idea that excites me. Then I do it, but by that time, I’ve been waiting and thinking about it so much that it feels like I’ve been waiting for years. There’s always chaos. Messes. Big emotion. Then I finish, and there’s peace…for a moment. Until I find the next thing to “fix.”
But lately, even I have noticed this pattern and I feel the exhaustion from my husband every time I say I have an idea (and I say it a lot). There must be some idea in my head of what a “nice house” looks like and another idea of what a “nice house” means. For example, once I have a nice house then I will be _______. Happy, calm, proud? Acceptable? Normal functioning person?
I don’t think I’ve wanted a nice house though because looking around, it is nice. I think what I’ve been chasing is perfection. I’ve been trying to create a perfect home by changing….everything, and it’s been chaotic.
What if, instead of changing the house, I change my mind? What if I give this old house, this beautifully simple, warm house room to breathe? What if I tell it how beautiful it is and how loved it is every day? What if I spend time thanking it? What if I take good care of it just as it is now?
If I appreciate what is maybe that appreciation will guide me towards what could be in a way that’s natural and peaceful. Maybe. Hopefully.
Risking Delight 